


Why

by bubble_bobb



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bullying, Confessions, Falling In Love, First Kiss, M/M, Not Beta Read, Platonic Cuddling, Secret Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:34:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24270658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubble_bobb/pseuds/bubble_bobb
Summary: "Are you okay?"The boy asked, hesitant to touch San as he stepped a little closer. The younger froze but soon nodded, clearing his throat."Y-Yeah..."
Relationships: Choi San & Jung Wooyoung, Choi San/Kim Hongjoong, Choi Yeonjun & Seo Changbin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 74





	Why

**Author's Note:**

> Hello  
> Hope you enjoy  
> Have a good day/night  
> Stay hydrated
> 
> (Title: ONF - Why)

Kim Hongjoong.

Popular.  
A bit of an asshole, but a stunning one for sure.

That's how San would describe him if you asked him, and he hates it. He hates the fact that the first person he has ever fallen for, was someone like Hongjoong. Someone, who he knows will never in his lifetime feel the same way. San hates that more than anything in the world.

Hongjoong was never an asshole to him personally but he still was to some other students and that saddened San.

This was never supposed to happen. He didn't even want it to happen. Hongjoong used to be someone San didn't care about. He was someone San locked eyes with maybe once or twice but never got any further. 

People always told him he was different. But he wasn't. Just because he didn't talk to many people did not mean he was any different than his classmates. He defended himself a few times, saying that he's just himself and that he isn't different or weird but others didn't like that.

Since then, he learned not to say anything unless absolutely necessary. He got more quiet, because why would he risk getting teased again?

San looks around the classroom and sighs, seeing that Yeonjun is already leaning against the door, eyeing him down with dark eyes and a frown on his face. He doesn't understand how Wooyoung can talk to him. He hates him so much. San turns his head back, laying it in his arms on the desk.

He closes his eyes, breathing slowly through his nose, trying his best to relax and not think too much.

  
_The boy walked down the hallway, clutching his textbooks close to his chest with his phone in hand, reading a text Wooyoung sent him. All he wanted was to get to his next class, sit down and just exist in silence. His favorite._

_He got interrupted from his train of thoughts when he was suddenly shoved against one of the lockers, his back hitting it harshly. He hissed looking up before rolling his eyes._

_"Let me go to class."_

_He said quietly, sighing when the figures didn't move. His head was then tilted up and he frowned, wanting to run. He hated school so much sometimes._

_Yeonjun didn't have an actual reason to bother him like that, he just disliked San for some odd reason. Ever since San first appeared, he knew he and Yeonjun won't work._

_"I don't want trouble, just let me go to class."_

_San mumbled, knowing that if he tried to be harsh it would end bad. Yeonjun just grinned at him, not saying a word, making San even more angry. He was nothing but nice to everyone around him so why did he have to suffer like this? His eyes widened a little when Yeonjun suddenly stumbled back, looking around for the person that caused it._

_He looked his direction, frowning a little more when he noticed a guy just a little shorter than him. He really wasn't ready for verbal insults and the senior was the best at those. He heard him putting other students down before and the things he said were really heartbreaking. It sometimes hurt him and he wasn't even the one the guy was talking to._

_Yeonjun smirked at him, expecting the same San did._

_"He already told you he doesn't want any trouble, you idots."_

_He said, making Yeonjun frown at him. The other guy, Changbin, looked at the senior in surprise opening his mouth before he was cut off again._

_"Guess you have trouble understanding because your brains are the size of your dicks."_

_He spat, pushing at Yeonjun's shoulder before signaling him to leave. Yeonjun rolled his eyes, scoffing. He grabbed Changbin before leaving, glaring at San as he slowly disappeared behind a wall._

_"Are you okay?"_

_The boy asked, hesitant to touch San as he stepped a little closer. The younger froze but soon nodded, clearing his throat._

_"Y-Yeah..."_

_He said, nodding._

_"Good, I'm Hongjoong by the way."_

_The guy introduced himself and San nodded again. He wanted to thank him but was not able to before Hongjoong ran off with a "alright, see you around" leaving his lips._

And from that day on, San couldn't get him out of his head. He was always there, at the very back of his mind. But you can't blame him, Hongjoong was the only person that ever stood up for him. The only person who wasn't picking on him and the only person that was actually nice to him, if he excludes his best friend.

"Sannie, wake up!"

He jolts awake, not being aware of drifting off in the first place. He looks around, frowning at Wooyoung once he lays his eyes on him. He groans quietly, stretching his limbs out in front of him. Wooyoung is a transfer student from Japan, and as much as he tried to convince everyone he was Japanese at first, San knew he wasn't the moment he saw him and it made him laugh. He doesn't even remember how they became friends, one day it just happened and they were stuck with each other at all times. And he would never change a thing about their friendship.

"Wooyoung ah..."

San groans, laying back down on his desk. His eyes are now fully open but still tired, glaring at the younger boy beside him. Wooyoung rolls his eyes, tearing them away from San's face and looking straight forward at the teacher.

"You slept through the whole class."

Wooyoung informs, playing with his pen and occasionally biting on it. San cringes and then sighs, sitting up.

"And?"

Wooyoung turns his head to look at him again, frowning. He scoffs, looking back while shaking his head in disbelief.

"Fine, I'll let you get in trouble next time."

"Sure."

San answers and shrugs, leaning back in his chair, looking at Wooyoung. The younger laughs.

"As if you could handle that."

"You aren't any better," San says, leaning back forward to rest his elbows on the desk. He smirks, looking at Wooyoung with a devilish look. "Remember when Mr. Lee caught you and that Mingi guy skipping class? You almost cried."

"That's because I was scared!"

Wooyoung defends, whisper - yelling at the older through gritted teeth. San laughs, nodding and waving his hand. He looks at the clock, smiling when he notices the class is soon going to be over, meaning it's almost lunch time. Time passes faster when you don't care about your surroundings. Soon enough their class ends and he heads outside with Wooyoung by his side.

"I'm gonna get lunch with Seonghwa."

Wooyoung tells him once they are inside the cafeteria, petting his shoulder, looking at him as if his statement was a question. They slowly approach their table, sitting down. San forces a smile, nodding at Wooyoung with gentle eyes as he covers his hand with his own. 

He knows he is going to miss him but the younger is free to do whatever he wants, they are just friends, he's not his mother. He looks around, seeing the mentioned guy leaning against the entrance doorframe with his arms crossed on his chest. He smiles at San and the boy returns it.

"Fine, have fun."

He says, letting go of Wooyoung's hand right after. The younger stands up from their table, smiling widely. He nods, making his way towards the waiting older student slowly. San still doesn't get where Wooyoung got the time to make friends with college students.

"You too."

He says before finally running off. San sighs, looking down at the table with furrowed eyebrows. He usually brought his lunch with him but lately he was losing appetite so all he could, and wanted, to do was sit here, checking his phone. He had nowhere to go but lunch time was usually very calm so he didn't mind staying here.

When he came to school he was planning on staying in the park before his next class started but then the class got dismissed so here he is, waiting for what is going to happen next. But then again, he doesn't mind being here. He pulls out his phone from his pocket, unlocking it and going through his social media, supporting his head with one hand.

"Heya, Sannie."

The junior slowly lifts his eyes from his phone when he hears a familiar voice, setting them on Hongjoong's face with a light blush covering his cheeks as soon as they meet gazes. No one except for Wooyoung called him that and for some reason it makes butterflies flutter in his stomach hearing Hongjoong say it.

"Is this seat taken?"

The older asks, not waiting for San to answer and sitting down anyway. San shakes his head, gulping thickly. His heart is beating hard in his chest, hammering against his ribcage as if it wants to jump out and end up on his table. 

He wonders why Hongjoong is doing this. He knows the older got called different names after standing up for him that one day and greeting him whenever he saw him so he is confused. He could easily avoid those words and insults and yet he is still talking to San as if nothing was happening.

"Aren't you hungry?"

Hongjoong asks and San quickly shakes his head. The older takes a moment before nodding, his eyebrows furrowed.

"You okay?"

The senior asks after a moment of silence, concern obvious in his voice. San nods, feeling oddly nervous. He sighs. The older is making him nervous.

"Me okay."

Hongjoong chuckles at his words, making him blush a little deeper. Another moment of silence passes and Hongjoong sighs, turning his whole body to face San. It makes the younger looks at him in slight confusion, wondering what Hongjoong is doing.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Why do you care?"

San asks, his tone soft but the words harsh in nature. He frowns, not wanting to sound like that and cursing internally when Hongjoong looks at him with wide eyes that soon turn into sad ones. What is he doing? Hongjoong, his damn crush, is trying to talk to him and he is being an asshole. Maybe it's because he knows he doesn't have a chance and he doesn't want to get hurt by talking to him.

"Oh, sorry, I was just worried about... nevermind, I'm sorry."

He says, taking his things off the table and standing up to his feet again. San looks up, wanting to say something but not knowing what. Hongjoong sighs, locking eyes with the younger again. He smiles sadly, making his way away from the table. This was so strange to the junior since Hongjoong was usually a very mean guy. Most students didn't want to even look at him in case they upset him so seeing him so apologetic and being so sweet was strange.

"I'll... I'll leave, you should eat something before going to class."

"No wait."

San says quickly, grabbing the sleeve of Hongjoong's uniform. The older boy looks back at him with a shocked expression and San gulps thickly. He shifts closer but doesn't let go of the older, not yet.

"I'm sorry, don't leave."

He says, mentally congratulating himself on being able to form an actual sentence. He doesn't know where this sudden confidence came from. He can't believe he did something like that. He gulps thickly. Maybe his feelings for Hongjoong are a little stronger than he thought, judging by the pace his heart is beating at right now. Hongjoong smiles and then looks over, noticing a few heads turned when San reached out for him.

"Mind your own business, will you?"

He says, raising his eyebrows. His voice is calm but the words make the heads turn back and whisper to the people around them. It makes San want to jump into a hole and never get out again. Maybe this was a mistake. 

What if Hongjoong is going make fun of him now? The older sits down again, body turned to face the junior. San closes his eyes, embarrassed. Hongjoong is looking at him with a smirk and his heart feels like it's actually going to burst out of his chest. Does he know what he's doing to him?

"Wanna come over later? We could get to know each other better."

Hongjoong asks and San's heart drops. He swallows harshly. He has only one more class so Hongjoong could wait for him if he is free. He would be stupid if he didn't take this. He didn't like the fact that he liked Hongjoong at first but now that he doesn't deny it anymore he realizes this is an offer he will probably not get ever again.

"S-Sure."

He agrees, letting go of the older as he sits back down. He scrolls on his phone some more, trying to ignore the way his heart skips a beat whenever the senior brushes against him. 

Minutes fly by and before San can turn his head Hongjoong is standing up, telling him that his last class is starting soon. He nods and stands up as well, following Hongjoong outside to wait for Wooyoung so they can go somewhere together. He thinks maybe going to the park and letting the younger tell him about his lunch with Seonghwa is a good idea. His last class is apparently not happening, Wooyoung texted him not that long ago, so he is thankful for that. He smiles, _he_ can wait for Hongjoong before his final class ends and then they can get to know each other. 

No. He shouldn't think like that. Hongjoong probably doesn't even care about him that much, he is just trying to become friends with him.

A hand on his shoulder makes him snap out and he looks at Hongjoong's smiling face with a fluttering heart. They say their goodbyes, the junior's eyes following Hongjoong's figure as he leaves. What is this? Why is he feeling like this?

Soon he sees Wooyoung approaching him, smiling widely with his arms spread. He welcomes the hug, tightly embracing the younger. Wooyoung's face softens when he pulls back, nodding when San asks him if they could stay in the park for a while. The older then asks him about his time with Seonghwa, turning everything in his head off to listen to what Wooyoung has to say. 

As time passes and Wooyoung slowly gets to the end of his time with the college student, San checks his phone, nodding to himself when he sees that Hongjoong still has about twenty more minutes before his class ends.

"So what did you do?"

San turns his head back, a wave of confusion washing over his features. Wooyoung rolls his eyes, looking at him through his lashes. San stares back before it clicks and he blushes. Oh. His reaction makes the younger's eyes go wide and a grin to appear on his face. 

He shifts closer on the bench they are sitting on, clearly wanting San to talk. But the older doesn't know what to say. He can't just tell Wooyoung about his crush, can he? He is his best friend but this is going to sound weird. Him, liking a person that disliked everyone, it's weird even to him.

"C'mon Sannie! Tell me!"

San gulps thickly, opening his mouth to talk before closing it again. He really doesn't know what to say.

"You like someone don't you."

The older junior's head snaps up and he frowns. _How?!_ Wooyoung laughs, resting his hand on San's thigh. 

"You're so obvious."

He says, laughing, and San can feel his face and ears burning. Hongjoong can't see him like this. Wooyoung's laugher dies down as he looks behind San, his face dropping. The older looks at him in confusion before turning his head, feeling it spin when he sees Hongjoong's figure approaching them. 

The senior looks happy. He is smiling and when his eyes meet San's his face lights up even more. San quickly turns back to Wooyoung, seeing him smirk before he grabs his backpack and runs away from him with a rushed goodbye. San curses under his breath, feeling it catch in his throat when the senior sits down in front of him.

"Hey."

He says and San's heart flutters. _No. Stop. Stupid feelings._ The older just greeted him. He doesn't even know Hongjoong that well.

"H-Hi."

The junior responds, an awkward smile decorating his face. He can still feel how hot his face is and Hongjoong's presence is not helping him calm down. This is embarrassing.

"Should we get going?"

San quickly nods, getting up while keeping his eyes on the ground. He hears a light chuckle and his head spins again. Is Hongjoong laughing at him? He shouldn't be surprised, he must look ridiculous. He glances at Hongjoong, catching a glimpse of his face from the limited view, feeling his insides melt at the stunning wide smile that has found a home on his face.

They don't walk for too long, only a few minutes before they reach Hongjoong's house. The two boys get inside, kicking off their shoes and dropping their backpacks by the front door. They then head into the living room, the younger of the two feeling a little awkward. 

He doesn't know what he can and can't do. Well, he does but not really. It was different with Wooyoung, the younger's house was like his second home, he could come any time he wanted and he was always welcome but this is new.

"Make yourself at home."

Hongjoong tells him, smiling softly. San nods his head, stepping closer to the big couch and sitting down carefully. He never felt this nervous, what is happening to him? Is it because of Hongjoong? 

"Are you thirsty?"

Hongjoong asks, interrupting San in his thinking. The junior slowly nods, his breathing stuttering when Hongjoong chuckles. He then leaves the room, leaving San alone with his thoughts. The younger feels like his head might burst. He doesn't know what to do to stop being so awkward. What if Hongjoong notices? 

Not too long after the older leaves he comes back with two bottles of cold lemonade and a plate. San narrows his eyes before waving it off as Hongjoong being hungry. His eyes only widen when the senior sets the plate in front of him on the coffee table, making the sandwich on it more visible. He looks up at the senior, shaking his head, not trusting his voice enough to speak. Hongjoong frowns, sitting down next to him.

"Oh come on, you must be starving, you haven't eaten all day from what I know."

He says, pushing the plate even closer to San. The younger shakes his head again. He doesn't want to eat, he's not hungry. Usually, he wouldn't refuse food but something feels odd today. His stomach feels like it's knotted and the only thing he plans on consuming is water and other liquids for the rest of the day. He could try eating, but that's too much work, what if he'll actually feel sick after?

"I'm really not-"

He says quietly, trying to push the plate closer away but not too much to look rude. He opens his mouth to talk again but cuts himself off with a light gasp when Hongjoong grabs his hand, firm but gentle. He looks up, feeling his insides melt at the softness of Hongjoong's eyes.

"For me?"

The words make him frown, his expression softening when he sees Hongjoong smile at him slightly. He sighs, reaching for the sandwich and holding it up to his mouth before Hongjoong releases his hand. He sighs again. Stupid feelings.

"Fine."

He says, taking a bite. Hongjoong smiles, leaning back and opening his bottle to take a sip. His eyes are still on San and the younger feels his hands shake as he puts the sandwich down again. He hums and leans back.

"Good?"

Hongjoong asks and San nods, turning his head to look at him. 

"So, tell me about yourself?"

Hongjoong says and San nods with a little bit of difficulty, his brain working to fast. What if he accidentally says too much? He sighs and starts talking, soon being joined by the senior's comments and eventually he takes over, making him happy that he isn't the only one pouring out information. 

Time slowly passes as they tell each other things and secrets about themselves, catching up on what they didn't know, which surprisingly wasn't much. 

Their mood remains happy as they talk more and more, slowly getting more and more comfortable with each other. San likes this. He likes feeling so close to Hongjoong even though they barely finished talking. He likes Hongjoong.

He hates that. He can't even be surprised. He has been refusing to accept his feelings for months and Hongjoong treating so nicely is making him fall deeper and deeper. He has to accept it and let it be. Maybe it will leave in a couple of days, maybe months.

After what feels like hours of talking and becoming obviously closer and more comfortable with each other San checks his phone, noticing that it indeed were a couple of hours since they got here. 

"I think I should go."

San says, rolling his eyes playfully. Hongjoong chuckles and nods, getting up and following San to the front door of his house. Once they are both standing in the wide open door San sighs, looking at Hongjoong with an awkward smile.

"Do you think we could do this again sometime?"

It's stupid to ask when he is trying to get rid of his feelings but his brain is working too fast for him to comprehend and have control over what he is saying. The senior smiles widely and nods, spreading his arms and inviting San for a hug. 

The younger swallows thickly and walks closer, letting Hongjoong's arms wrap around him in a tight hug and returning it. His heart is beating fast in his chest and he is sure that if it wasn't for the loud cars passing by, Hongjoong would hear it. After a few seconds they separate and San can feel his legs shake. Hopefully he will get through the rest of the day without a breakdown.

"See you tomorrow then, goodnight Sannie."

San nods, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he keeps his eyes locked with Hongjoong's. How did he not notice how beautiful he was before?

"Goodnight, hyung."

He says, watching as Hongjoong waves at him and closes the door. He sighs and turns on his heels, adjusting his backpack and making his way home. Why did he like spending time with the senior so much? He really shouldn't. Hongjoong is probably not even into guys, let alone into him. 

His chances with the older are minimal, he should rethink his feelings. But it's hard when Hongjoong is being so nice to him. It's hard when he was cuddling with him just an hour ago while they talked. He can't just stop liking him as much as he would like to do that. He doesn't want to get hurt.

  
When he walks into school the next day he feels odd. He feels like he might break at any point today and Yeonjun's piercing eyes are not helping him. He feels tired as well as he didn't sleep for more than three hours last night, his head filled with Hongjoong and the memory of his touch. 

He couldn't stop thinking about him and whenever he closed his eyes he would see his face. It was hard for him to drift off and just a little while after he finally did his alarm went off, causing him to groan in annoyance. 

He slowly walks towards his locker, opening it with tired eyes, frowning when he sees a note neatly folded and sitting on top of his books. He looks around before reaching for it, opening it once he gets it in his hands.

_Meet me in the park after school ^^ -HJ_

San smiles and nods to himself. It's dumb, he knows it is, but what can he do? He won't refuse meeting up with him, even if it hurts him. He also asked Hongjoong if they could hang out again yesterday anyway so it would stupid is he didn't show up. He then blindly reaches for the locker door to close it, his eyes still fixated on the words written on the paper.

"So it's Hongjoong huh."

San lets out a light gasp, closing his eyes and sighing when he sees Wooyoung leaning against one of the lockers. He frowns when his words sink in, shoving the note in his pocket and hoping the younger won't ask about it.

"What?"

He asks, not fully understanding what Wooyoung said. The younger junior rolls his eyes, looking at him through his lashes, making a shiver run down his spine.

"You like him."

He says and San's heart skips a beat. How does Wooyoung know? Did he actually figure it out yesterday? He breathes in sharply, his eyes everywhere but on Wooyoung.

"No I don't-"

"Don't even Sannie, I can see right through you."

The younger junior laughs and San's breathing stutters. Fuck. He looks around, adjusting his backpack and sighing. What's the point in denying it? The younger wouldn't believe him anyway. He knows San better than San knows himself.

"So, what did you two do yesterday?"

Wooyoung asks teasingly after a few seconds and San looks up at him with wide eyes.

"N-Nothing."

He stutters, feeling himself shake at the look the other gives him.

"Nothing huh."

He says under his breath and San rolls his eyes, a smile making its way on his face.

"Woo, stop."

He says, making the younger raise his hands up in defense. He smiles widely, his eyes turning into crescent moons.

"I'm just repeating what you said."

He says and San chuckles. He knows Wooyoung means no harm, he is the last person that would discourage or hurt him. Wooyoung is his best friend and he knows that he isn't a mean person. He shakes his head and starts walking, bumping into Wooyoung's shoulder gently as he passes him.

"Geez, let's just go to class, I'll tell you later."

He says, smiling when Wooyoung quickly nods his head. Today is going to be hard but at least he has Wooyoung to make him a bit relaxed before school ends and he meets up with Hongjoong again.

And so when all of his classes end he does. He meets up with Hongjoong just like told himself he would, ignoring the pain he is feeling and knows he will feel later on again. Hongjoong will never be anything more than just person he talks to and it hurts to know but he doesn't know what he should do.

They talk a little and walk around for a while before Hongjoong says his goodbye, pulling San into a tight hug just like he did the other day. It melts San's heart but it also makes him want to cry. There is no way Hongjoong could know about his feelings but his actions hurt him. But San can't bring himself to say no to him or push him away. And that's why he keeps meeting up with him and hanging out with him for the next few weeks.

The most painful weeks of his life but he doesn't care about his feelings when he is with the senior. He loves spending time with him so why would he complain. 

Everything goes well before one week that San feels like his world is crumbling and falling apart right in front of his eyes and he is letting it happen. 

He still forces himself to go to school but he doesn't talk much, not even to Wooyoung, and he makes sure he avoids Hongjoong as best as he can. He knows Hongjoong made him feel like this, and even if San's feelings weren't really his fault he still can't face him, let alone hang out with him.

Everything was going as he planned until one day when he was too slow in putting his books in his backpack. He feels a hand on his shoulder and he immediately freezes, knowing that isn't Wooyoung by how gentle the person's touch is. 

He slowly turns around, his heart skipping multiple beats when his eyes meet Hongjoong's.

"Sannie! Why are you avoiding me?"

The senior asks quietly, stepping to the side and leaning against the lockers with his whole body. San gulps thickly, his eyes traveling around his surroundings as he tries his best not to look at Hongjoong. He closes his backpack and throws it over his shoulder. He is not avoiding him, well, he is but he just feels like being with the senior hurts him. 

He knows Hongjoong will be graduating soon and if his feelings grow any stronger he will be absolutely broken when Hongjoong leaves him. He just can't spend time with him if he doesn't want to get his heart broken.

"I'm not..."

He lies, hoping to make Hongjoong believe him and leave him alone. He knows how harsh that sounds and he would never want to sound harsh when talking about Hongjoong but he has to realize what his feelings really are and how to get rid of them, as soon as possible.

"You didn't talk to me the whole week, did I do something wrong?"

Hongjoong asks, looking concerned. San finally looks into his eyes, shaking his head quickly.

"Y-You didn't, I-I'm sorry."

He stutters out, cursing at himself for it. A way to be subtle. Hongjoong frowns and sighs, stepping closer, causing San's breath to catch in his throat. He looks down at the older student, wanting to say something but the lump in his throat stopping him from doing so.

"Is everything okay? You know you can tell me if something is bothering you."

Hongjoong says, still looking concerned. San doesn't like that. He doesn't like the fact that he is making Hongjoong worry. He hopes his feelings will leave him soon so he can just exist and be at peace. He sighs victoriously when the bell rings, making all of the people around them shuffle into the classrooms. He forces a smile and bows his head, making his way into his class with a small wave.

"Y-Yeah, I gotta go now, class is starting, I'm sorry."

He hurries out, sighing when Hongjoong nods, still looking confused and a little upset.

He then carries on in avoiding Hongjoong and coming to school only because it is necessary for almost two months, only forcing himself to say hello to Hongjoong when he accidentally passes him in the hallways and excusing himself whe the senior wanted to talk to him. He knows it isn't very nice to do but he doesn't want to get hurt.

And just like last time, things were going the way he wanted them to. Everything was fine and he was slowly but surely seeing Hongjoong less and less every day. Until one day when he was leaving school, pulling out his earphones from his pocket to plug them into his phone and listen to music while he made his way home. 

Normally he would walk with Wooyoung but for the last couple of days he really wanted to be alone. The younger understood him when he told him he needs time to clear his head so he made a playlist for him instead. The playlist was supposed to make San think of him when they weren't together and the older junior actually really liked the songs and the way they made him feel.

He slowly puts one earbud in as he leaves the school gates, clicking on a random song before he hears a call of his name. He pauses the song, listening carefully before he hears the same voice call for him. He turns around, freezing when he sees Hongjoong approaching him quickly, looking beyond upset.

"Choi San."

He slowly says, looking around before walking close to the younger, looking up at him with furrowed eyebrows. San's brain is working fast, too fast even, he can't quite comprehend what is going on right now. Hongjoong sighs, making his brain slow down and pay attention to him.

"I will leave you alone if you want me to but I want to know one thing before I do that."

He says quietly and San feels his eyes water. Why? He doesn't know either. He wanted this so he doesn't understand why it's making him feel this way.

"Why?"

Hongjoong asks after a painfully long minute, his voice slightly shaky.

"Did I do something wrong?"

He questions, looking genuinely confused. It hurts to see. San inhales sharply.

"N-No I just..."

He trails off. He doesn't even know what he wants to say. Hongjoong means so much to him but he doesn't want that. He doesn't want Hongjoong to mean so much for him. He doesn't want to care about him as much as he does now. He doesn't want think about him all the time. His own actions and thoughts hurt him. He looks at Hongjoong when he sighs and steps back, nodding to himself.

"I get it."

He says and San frowns in confusion.

"I'm sorry if I did something wrong, I'll leave you alone."

He says, turning around and walking away. San's breathing stops momentarily as he reaches his hand out, wanting to stop Hongjoong but also not being able to. 

"Hongjoong hyung..."

He says softly, tears threatening to fall. He turns on his heels and hurries home, not caring about his headphones or turning on his music, he just wants to get home and let all his feelings be heard by his pillows. He feels awful. Hongjoong must hate him now, there is no way he doesn't. What did he do?

He continues feeling like that for a few weeks, if not longer, skipping school multiple times and lying to his family about going. He can't. He feels too weak to even stand up from his bed, let alone go to school and risk seeing Hongjoong. 

The senior is still on his mind, he can't get him out of his head. It hurts to think about him but he can't help himself. He can't stop thinking about how warm his hugs are, how gentle his touch is, how soft his eyes are and the way he treated him. He made San think everything was okay and he made him forget about Yeonjun and everything else that he didn't like. 

It's late. San keeps trashing in his bed, not being able to fall asleep. He groans after a while, sitting up in his bed and taking his phone from the bedside table. He lights it up and unlocks it with shaky fingers. He needs to talk to someone. He can't call Wooyoung, as much as he would love to, since the younger left Seoul for a while. He searches through his contacts, his breath shaking as he stops at one name. He needs him. Only he can make all of this stop.

He clicks on the number, bringing his phone up to his ear and closing his eyes. He doesn't expect him to pick up. It's late, he is most probably sleeping and if not he definitely has better things to do than to talk to someone like him. Does he even still have his number saved? Did he delete it when they-

"Hello?"

San's heart flutters and eyes light up. Even with his voice heavy with sleep and a groggy tone added to it, San still loves the sound of it.

"Joongie hyung?"

He says shakily, feeling his eyes water. Why is this happening? He was okay before. How could one person mess him up so bad? He hears a confused groan on the other side of the line and he looks up at the ceiling, trying to keep the tears in his eyes. He sighs. He knows what he needs to do to make this stop. He will probably regret it later but he needs to get it off his chest.

"San? It's two in the morning what-"

"Can I come over?"

He asks quickly, cutting the older off. This may be a really bad idea but he doesn't care. He slowly stands up from his bed, hoping Hongjoong will say yes.

"What?"

The senior asks, clearly confused. The younger frowns when he can't keep the tears in his eyes anymore, letting them fall.

"Please?"

He says shakily, hearing a few shuffling noises from the other end. Hongjoong then clears his throat.

"I mean, sure, I guess, let me just get the door."

San smiles and hums, hanging up and quickly putting on his clothes. This is stupid but he needs it. Hopefully it will make all of this finally leave him and he can exist normally again. He quietly sneaks out of the front door, sighing when it doesn't make a single sound that could wake someone up. 

He then gets on his way, knowing all too well where Hongjoong lives. He doesn't walk for long, only a few minutes before he reaches Hongjoong's house, softly knocking on the front door. His breath catches in his throat when the senior opens the door.

"Oh, that was fast."

He says, smiling softly. San looks into his eyes, wanting to smile as well but not being able to. Only more tears escape his eyes as he walks in and Hongjoong closes the door. He sits on the couch, soon being joined by Hongjoong.

"What's wrong?"

Hongjoong asks once they're both seated. The younger stays silent. He wants to talk, he wants to say what is on his mind but he can't. His body won't listen.

"San..."

Hongjoong softly calls out and the junior feels a shiver run down his spine. 

"Sannie, look at me."

He says and he finally moves, turning his head to look into his eyes. Hongjoong smiles slightly and San can feel his heart break.

"What's wrong?"

Hongjoong asks, shifting a little closer. San presses his lips together, creating a thin line. It's now or never. He has to say it. That's what he came here for. He just wants to feel okay again.

"I like you."

He says quickly, watching Hongjoong's face twist in shock. He shakes his head, shrugging internally. He might as well just say everything, pour all of his feelings out, what could go wrong now.

"I have for a while."

He says, noticing that Hongjoong hasn't moved since he said the first three words. He sighs.

"I can't stop thinking about you."

He admits, feeling wight being lifted off his chest. This feels good, even if it doesn't come out the way he hopes, he wants to say it. All of it. He moves a little bit, laying his head in his hands.

"Hongjoong hyung, I really like you a-and I didn't want to tell y-you or talk to you t-too much because you'll g-graduate soon and- and you'll leave m-me all alone after that."

He hurries out, his words mixing. New tears are streaming down his cheeks as he breathes shakily. He lifts his head when he feels Hongjoong place his hand on his shoulder.

"Is that why you're crying?"

He asks carefully and San can only nod his head. He isn't sure what the older is going to do next but he doesn't feel well. Maybe this really was a big mistake. Maybe he should have kept it to himself.

"Sannie... I won't leave you."

Hongjoong says with a smile, one of his arms coming up to wrap around San's shoulders. San sniffles and looks away.  
  
"H-How can you be so s-sure..."

He chokes out and Hongjoong sighs, making him look at him again. Hongjoong smiles, his eyes softer than ever.

"Because I like you too, silly."

The junior's heart skips a beat. Did he hear that right? No. No way. He misheard it. Why would Hongjoong ever like someone like him?

"Y-You do?"

He asks shakily and Hongjoong nods with a small smile, gently turning him to face him better.

"Of course, I like you so much and it hurt so bad when you were ignoring me, I thought I messed something up."

Hongjoong says, smoothing his hands down San's arms, making him shiver under his touch. This can't be real. Hongjoong... likes him? Him? Seriously? 

"You don't believe me, do you?"

Hongjoong says and San shakes him head. There is just no way someone like Hongjoong is interested in someone like him. He gasps when his head is lifted a little more, his eyes widening when Hongjoong leans closer. He keeps them open as he fully leans in, pressing his lips against San's. It takes only a few seconds before his eyes get droopy and eventually close entirely. 

Hongjoong's lips are soft and warm, it feels oddly good. He slowly brings one hand up to Hongjoong's neck, resting it there as he tilts his head. The senior cups his cheek, pulling away only to have San lean back in. He smiles and kisses him back immediately. The younger still can't believe this is happening but Hongjoong feels so real and so... _there_. 

They both pull away when their lungs begin to burn, the lack of oxygen slowly becoming unbearable. They both take a deep breath, glancing up into each other's eyes. 

"Do you believe me now?"

San stays still for a moment, slowly nodding after a little while. Hongjoong smiles, stroking his cheek gently. San then shifts closer, his arms wrapping around Hongjoong in a tight hug. So he wasn't lying. Does this mean he can be okay again? Hongjoong likes him back, he wanted this. Everything feels okay now.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Twitter? (ateezlvruwu)


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